Why I want our children to have faith

I was driving my nearly 16 year old son to an audition in Auckland City this week so had a rare opportunity to chat with him (thankfully there’s no internet in the car!). I asked him if he’d decided what to give up for Lent yet as we are now halfway through this season. I also questioned his understanding of why our family gives up things for Lent. His reasonings and thoughts were slightly challenging and raised some doubts about my effectiveness in raising children of faith.

After years of wonderful nightly faith rituals with our late surprise gift from God, I now struggle to find opportunity to talk and do God stuff with our college son. My faith is incredibly important to me and my profound hope is that my three children will continue in it.

Jennifer Grant’s article in Christianity Today “Let’s not bully our kids into faith” and her reasons for wanting her children to remain in the faith really resonated with me.

Christianity is part of their DNA

Rejecting their faith would be like refusing one's race or ancestry or trying to forget the song your mother sang to you every night before bed. My kids might set it aside for a while – as I have done in different periods of my life. They might revise it and find another way to interpret and live it out. They have chosen Christ, were baptized, confirmed, and raised in the church. They can't possibly fling off their faith like an ill-fitting coat; it's part of the fabric of who they are.

A good church/faith community will be there for them

When they encounter loss, they will be sustained by God and by their faith communities. As much as I hate the thought, I know my kids will experience great pain in their lives. I also know being in relationship with God and being part of a faith community will help my children live through those hard times.

The love of God will sustain them; I want them to live in awareness of God's presence and of God's good gifts. Being in community with others who practice their faith will help.

Christ establishes a priority to love and serve.

Following Christ keeps us from dancing along with our culture's trashy siren songs. Among other things, our culture insists that buying things makes us happy, that the only people of value are those who are strong and beautiful, and that personal satisfaction should be our primary goal as human beings.

In contrast to that, my children have been taught from their earliest years that, as Christians, our job is to love and serve others, ever looking for the image of God in every person we encounter. Real joy comes from opening ourselves to others; I want my children to be joyful people who embrace others with Christ's love.

But as much as I believe these things – and more – about the benefits of living a life of faith, I cannot force them into it. There comes a point (and I'm experiencing it) when I will no longer be able to insist that they go to church. I won't be able to tuck them in at night with a prayer. I won't have the opportunity to engage with them as often as I’d like about how I see God working in the world or the ways I see the Spirit of God in them.

I'm at the point where I just have to hope that my mothering hasn't imprinted them in damaging ways. I hope that I've shown them what living a life of faith can look like and, mostly, that I've reflected God's love and grace to them while they have been young and vulnerable.

In the new hold-your-breath thriller Gravity, there is a poignant moment when Sandra Bullock's character faces death and feels drawn to the God whom she has never known. (Suffering and near-death experiences often do that for people.) She says, not knowing the words she speaks are in fact a prayer, "I've never prayed. Nobody taught me how."

I know my kids will face all kinds of deaths throughout their lives. The death of loved ones. Of dreams. Of relationships. For hope in those moments and so many others, I'm glad that I have taught them to pray.

But really, their spiritual lives have never been up to me; they've been between them and God all along.

Jennifer Grant is the author of Love You More: The Divine Surprise of Adopting My Daughter, MOMumental: Adventures in the Messy Art of Raising a Family, Disquiet Time (forthcoming, 2014), and 12: A Daybook (forthcoming, 2014).

It’s not rocket science (or is it?) by Jill Kayser

I was teaching at a Fresh Expressions course (Mission Shaped Ministries) in Auckland the other night on the topic “Children and all ages” (go figure!)  The material we teach is given to us, but fortunately we are allowed a bit of “poetic license”.  I was irritated that in an hour and a half presentation promoting all-age Fresh Expressions there was no reasons given as to why children offer such a wonderful (and obvious) opportunity to churches wanting to reach the “unchurched”.

I’ve been ranting about this for 10 years now….so off I went again while course participants furiously scribbled down my “rocket science”.

Why should we include children?

• ·       “Children are the church of today, not the future.” (John Westerhoff, Will our children have faith?)  Children need to be recognised as vibrant , life-giving participants in our churches today!   Tomorrow (or in the future) we may not have a church (if we keep marginalising children) and our children will very likely not stick around if we don’t truly value, love, involve and disciple them today.
• ·         “The single remaining common interest or entrance point for non-churched people in the life of the church is children…we have a wide-open door to almost every family in every community worldwide when we love and serve their kids.”  (Bill Hybels).  And, “the ‘unchurched’ are open to participating in all age church led activities and worship.” (AC Neilson: Attracting New Zealanders to Spiritual Life 2002).
• ·         Children are more open.  They don’t hold negative stereotypes of the church and are excited by new experiences like all age interactive worship. 
• •          And children are more open to the gospel.  According to the Barna Research Group 32% of people come to faith as children (5 – 12 years),  4% as teens (13 -18 years) and  6% as adults.   By the age of 13 spirituality is largely set in place.
• •          And in more recently Australasian research undertaken by children’s ministry legend David Goodwin for his master’s thesis “Lost in Transition – or not”, 80% of the adults in our churches today came to faith as children and participated in some form of ministry (most likely Sunday School) offered by the church.

So what we do on Sundays really matters.  And every other day of the week too, when we have opportunities to connect with children and share the love of Christ.  I never thought of mainly music, kids club, holiday programmes as Fresh Expressions of church, but of course they are.  Every day of the week in New Zealand and beyond, thousands of “unchurched” children and families are meeting Jesus in the Christians who serve and love them (or not!).  

You can buy David Goodwin’s book “Lost in Transition – or not” or download a free copy of his thesis.  Contact david.kidsreach@gmail.com

 

For children crossing the bridge from no church to church
is an exciting adventure!

Innocuous Christianity? by Silvia Purdie (Rev)

I got mad yesterday! I am not easily offended but this got to me ... an article in the March 'Touchstone' newspaper published by the Methodist Church entitled "Opinion swings against Bible in Schools?" http://www.methodist.org.nz/touchstone (click on the March link), page 9

The article is about the debate at St Heliers school in Auckland, which has been well publicised in the media, and focuses on the people who laid the complaints against the Bible in Schools programme. I have nothing against hearing from people who disagree with us. And it is good to raise the profile of what Churches Education Commission are doing. But what really got to me was this statement: "The programmes seem rather innocuous".

Innocuous??!! If our outreach programmes are indeed simply innocuous we should issue a Cease and Desist order immediately and all give up and stay home!

To call any activity offered in the name of Jesus Christ 'innocuous' is to me an insult of the highest order. I don't mind conflict. I can handle the possibility of failing or offending, but to be bland, mild, unobtrustive - count me out!

It reminds me of the entry published in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy after Ford Prefect had spent years researching planet Earth: "Mostly harmless"!

It's not true, of course. Bible in Schools is not 'innocuous'. Certainly it does its best to not offend people who are not Christian, and it is carefully designed to fit within our secular education system, focusing on values rather than beliefs. But what it does is deeply significant, deeply subversive. To have an explicitly Christian presence in a school is to stand for Christ. To tell children stories of people of faith is to enlarge their imaginations, to create space for the intangible and untestable.

Our local school in Milson has this week also been the topic of heated debate after a parent made a complaint against the new 'Champions' programme. The school immediately crumbled under the pressure from just one person, and closed the doors to CEC during school hours, before the fired-up new team even had a chance to begin. Our church was very disappointed, as were many others in the town.

Why are people so afraid of conflict, do you think, that one vocal person's problem rapidly became everyone's problem?

Let's be more afraid of blandness. Whatever we do, lets not be innocuous!

Silvia Purdie is the minister of Milsom Combined Church in Palmerston North.  She is a wonderful Kids Friendly champion and advocate.  Silvia is married to Rev Chris Purdie and has three sons.

Feeling the fear by Silvia Purdie

 

I received a blog contribution from Rev Silvia Purdie this week (Milsom Combined Church) reflecting on fear (we all have them….) and finding helpful ways to cope with and respond to it. It resonated with my observations while working with the Protestant churches in Baden, Germany this month. Fear of losing what they love often prevents their leaders and congregations from embracing new ways of being church. Fear can be a negative force that debilitates change, but when named, it can be the first step to change. Dissatisfaction with the status quo is crucial for bringing about change in organisations, so when a church acknowledges that they are not ministering effectively with children, they are ready to start the Kids Friendly review and dream new ways of being .

Feeling the fear by Silvia Purdie

God has a way of stirring the pot. I’m getting on with work and dishes and driving and sometimes emotions rise up out of nowhere. I guess that’s God’s way of making sure stuff doesn’t stick to the bottom and burn. Stuff like fears. That’s this week’s challenge, anyway. Fear.

I don’t have an anxious disposition. I tend to be positive, optimistic. But the more we invest ourselves in anything, the more we open ourselves up to fear. If we are willing to desire anything, we risk losing it. 

So – I like to have a tidy house but I really don’t care that much. There’s no deep fear in me of drowning in mess, and no high calling to have a spotless house. But when it comes to my kids, I care way more. I have high hopes for them. I especially hope for them to have a growing Christian faith. And I fear for them. I especially fear that they will reject Christ and his gospel. Hope alone will not propel me to do anything sacrificial on my part; it’s too easy to simply hope and pray. I need my fears to propel me to stick my neck out, even if this involves being the youth leader for a while, or insisting that they go to a church event, or paying good money for them to attend a Christian camp. 

But fear can only push us so far; if the situation gets worse and the fear gets stronger, it begins to turn in on me and reduce the creative energy I have available for problem solving. Fear sucks the life out of our hopes, drains energy, makes us brittle, like hope’s vampire twin. Over time it hardens into anxiety, rattles us with worry. Fear says, “Why bother? There’s no point. It will all end badly.”

Faith works in the opposite direction. It breathes life into our hopes, pouring in energy, making us supple, flexible in dealing with frustrations and setbacks. Faith says, “Why not? Wouldn’t it be great if …”

Thing is, us Christians are great at knowing how we OUGHT to feel, but not quite as good at dealing with how we do actually feel. Sure, faith is good and fears are bad. So chin up, Keep Calm and Carry On! 

Thing is, fears don’t just vanish with a twitch of the nose. I’ve found that the only way to take the power out of our fears is to name them, drag them out and have a good look at them. We need to practice noticing how fear and anxiety sticks in our bodies and souls, how they affect our emotions and actions. 

OK then … what are you afraid of?  Where do you feel that fear in your body?
What do you tend to do about it?

For me as a Parish minister, I am afraid that children and families won’t come to our church, and that I will fail in my best efforts to be a Kids Friendly minister. We do all the right things but numbers are still small and our outreach programmes are fragile. 

But I am not going to help motivate our church people or welcome families if I’m anxious or looking for someone to blame. I need God to stir this fear up, let me see what it’s made of. I need the energy in the fear to push me to work hard, but not too hard. And even more important than the outward work of publicity or planning is the inner work on my own heart, to make peace with my own need to be successful, to be liked and affirmed by others (I really want Jill to be proud of me!). 

We need our fears. They give us the courage to imagine the worst outcomes and to ask the hardest questions. But once they start constricting our breathing, tightening our shoulders and making us work late into the night, they’re not helping. 

Be honest with yourself. If something keeps bothering you, write it down or make a time with a good listener to talk it through. 

The task then is to stop feeding our fears. Let them wither away. And the best way to do that is prayer. Praying our fears brings us inevitably into confession; I just can’t do this, Lord. I can’t, not alone. I need you. 

God’s answer to our fears is always grace. Tender mercy and unfailing love until we let go out burdens and rest in grace. “Don’t be afraid” he says, over and over. “I just love you, silly sausage – you don’t earn it!” Read Psalm 130 a few times.

Those of us who care about children’s ministry are vulnerable to fear. When we love kids we fear for them. When we love Christ and his church we can fear for the future when our programmes don’t seem to be highly ‘successful’. So we have safety policies and invest our best into our work. But let’s do that in freedom and faith, confident in the calling and blessing of Jesus no matter what. Let the Spirit stir up the fears that lurk within, call them out and transform them in grace.

Silvia Purdie is the minister of Milsom Combined Church in Palmerston North.  She is a wonderful Kids Friendly champion and advocate.  Silvia is married to Rev Chris Purdie and has three sons.

Weekly Feast or Daily Bread? by Cheryl Harray

Last week I coordinated a meeting between Karen Steward (Faith@Home NZ Director) and children’s leaders from 3 large churches (one Presbyterian) in Dunedin that could all be described as ‘successful’ in terms of their growth in  children’s ministry.  It was a fascinating and animated conversation as we agreed that even the BEST children’s programme with all the bells and whistles was NOT the key to developing a life-long faith in children.

We shared stories and tossed around our combined experience and research that shows that life-long faith grows best in an environment where it can be modelled and practiced regularly.

 “The act of becoming a Christian is the actual practicing of being Christian over and over again,” says Ivy Beckwith.

 

This can happen to some extent at church in a weekly ‘feast’, but is far more effective when practised in homes, every day of the week (daily bread)

We acknowledged that the Christian education model of ‘send your children to our fantastic children’s programme and all will be well’ has unintentionally disempowered parents from their role as the primary nurturers of their children’s faith. (Deuteronomy 6:4-9)

Statistics from the Search Institute show that parents are by far the most influential factor in developing children’s faith. Data also reveals that only a small percentage of families who regularly attend church pray together (other than mealtime grace), read the Bible or share faith conversations at home.

So do we throw out everything we’ve been doing and start again? No! Karen is working with Willow Creek to promote the Faith@Home movement in NZ that aims to ‘help churches build faith-filled homes 24/7’.

Of course this is relevant to more than just the children’s ministry. It’s about continually shaping all our church ministries so that we are increasingly ‘home-centred and church–assisted’ instead of ‘church-centred and home-assisted’.

The ‘Faith@Home’ message is a breath of fresh air that is devoid of ‘must-do’s’ and full of ‘could do’s’.

Kids Friendly advocates ministries that encourage families learning and growing in faith together. We have developed a ‘Partnering with Parents’ page on our website. Please share your resources and successes with us so we can  learn from each other.

Cheryl Harray is the Kids Friendly Advisor for the Synod of Otago and Southland.  She and her husband Ken have raised four beautiful children all deeply committed to Christ.  Cheryl is now a proud Grandma of Sam with whom she and his parents Malcolm and Vanessa Gordon continue to share their love and experience of Jesus.

 

 

 

In or out? – children and communion

by Kaila Pettigrove, Somervell Presbyterian Church, Auckland

My first understanding of communion was that it was something that I was not allowed to do.  It was a mysterious connection with God that I was not (yet) worthy of having.  Because my father had no church connection, I attended a Catholic church with my stepmother.  Her children had been through the classes, so they followed the line of people up to the priest to receive the “Host”.  My siblings and I remained obediently in our seats and waited patiently for that part of the service to be over.  I don’t remember feeling bad, it’s just how it was.  Communion was for the insiders and I was still a church outsider. 

Thanks to God’s grace, my children have grown up in the church. Two of my three children each went through a phase as a toddler where they would approach the podium after service and “preach” from the (thankfully unplugged) microphone.  My third child attended the church kindy and playgroup, so he was in the church building six days out of seven at one stage in his life. My children are definitely “insiders” at our church. 

But is communion about creating an inner circle of privileged few?  What is communion really about?  My purpose is not to explain the theological complexities of communion, but rather help us get our heads around a child’s understanding of communion.  One of the most common questions is:  At what point should children be allowed to participate in the sacrament of communion? 

Here’s my quick answer:  When they (and the parents) are ready.  What’s ready?  Well, were the disciples ready?  Did they have a complete and full understanding of what was happening at the Last Supper?  One need not be a scholar to assume they were in the dark about a lot of things.  Did they know they loved Jesus and wanted to follow Him?  Yes.  Did they understand the complete sacredness of the act?  Probably not.  Did it stop Jesus from including them?  No.

Don’t get me wrong.  I take communion very seriously.  I want my children to understand as much as they are able.   We serve an amazing God that wants to be part of us in such an intimate way.  I delight in the Mystery of the ordinary elements (bread and juice/wine) becoming a sacred bond with our Creator and Saviour.  We are called to do all we can to prepare ourselves for communion, and yet we will always fall short.  That is the beauty of the gospel.  God meets us where we are.  We rise to meet him, but He always covers the extra distance.  This is Grace.

Isn’t that the way with children?  Does God have a role in your child’s everyday life?  Does he/she feel comfortable praying not just memorized prayers, but also talking to God?  Does your child know and understand (to the best of his/her age and ability) that Jesus died for us so that we might be a part of God’s family now and forever?  If the answer is yes, I’d say they have the same tools the disciples had on that first communion. 

If we as parents want our children to participate in communion, we have a responsibility to model and explain to them what privilege and joy come with this sacrament.  Do we prepare ourselves for communion?  Do we strive to involve God in our everyday lives?  I don’t think there is a measuring stick that will tell us if we’re “tall enough” to queue up for this ride, but I do think we need to do our best to keep our lamps lit while we’re waiting.  (See Matthew 25 and Romans 12:2. )

How do we introduce communion to our children in a way that helps them appreciate the sanctity without freaking them out or scaring them?  

First of all, it should be a conversation that is held before the communion service. Have a family discussion about it to be sure your child understands how this tradition started and what it means.  It would be helpful to read together the passage about the first communion found in Matthew 26 or Mark 14.  Tell them what will happen during the service if they haven’t been present for communion before.  Even if they have, chances are they won’t always understand what happens when and why.  Take your time and answer any questions they have.  If you don’t know how to answer them, talk to your minister, pastor, or a respected friend.  Or better yet, look it up together in the Bible. 

During communion, whether your child has already taken communion or not, don’t be afraid to talk quietly with your child about what is happening each step of the way.

·        As you are waiting for the bread to come around, encourage your child to reflect on things that might be standing between them and God.  (God, please forgive me for knocking over little brother’s block structure when I was angry.)  This doesn’t need to be dwelt on.  It’s something between your child and God.  It doesn’t need your stamp of approval.

·        When the bread is passed to you, offer it to your child and say, “ Name, this is the body of Christ, given for you.”  Child answers with , “Amen.”  Help your child do the same for the person next to him/her. 

·        Hold the bread in your hands together and pray this simple prayer (or one like it), “Thank you, Jesus for dying for me.  It must’ve been hard for you.  Help me to love you and serve you and your people. Amen.”  Then, according to your church custom, take the bread at the proper time.

·        Do the same when the cup is passed, only using the phrase “blood of Christ” instead of body.  For the prayer, “Thank you God, that even though you died, you have come to life again and you live in me.  May your Spirit guide me every day.”

·        Drink the juice/wine according to your church custom. 

·        Because Communion is done as a group activity, there is often a good deal of waiting.  What a wonderful opportunity to reflect on and feel God’s presence.  While waiting, encourage your child to talk and/or listen to God.  Maintain a connection.  The actual words are not as important as the attitude of the heart.  Just fellowship with God. 

If our children understand anything about communion, it should be that it’s about God choosing us as His precious children and wanting us to be a part of Him.  Through the Mystery of the sacrament, the bread and the cup help us to experience God with us.  Children are often better at accepting mystery than we are.  We are imperfect, but we grow more like God the more time we spend with Him.  Communion is one of the ways we do that, through God’s grace.

 

Kaila with her family at Hobbiton.  Kaila is the children and families minister at Somervell Presbyterian.

 

 

Let’s start at the very beginning

St Ninian’s share Passover-Communion with their children

By Rev Monika Redman

We recently had a baptism – not a very common event nowadays. It reminded us that we make commitments to raise our children in a loving, nurturing environment – a no-brainer, really. But we also make a commitment to raise them in the knowledge and love of God.  This reminder tied in well with a request from our Kidz Church leaders to not just incorporate the children into communion, but to actually teach them what the mysterious set of rituals is all about – so that’s what we’re beginning to do. And we thought we’d start at the very beginning as, according to the sainted Sister Maria, ‘it’s a very good place to start’!

It also picked up on what the children had been doing in Kidz Church the week before.  Using the Storybook Bible, they had got as far as the plagues of Egypt, and the scene was set for us to have our very own Passover Communion – St Ninian’s style. I should also mention that we’re developing services around the idea of ‘Family of God’ worship – trying to emphasise all our generations as being part of the family of God rather than any sense of ‘exclusively for families’ services. Like a big family gathering, these can be a bit messy, a bit noisy – but it’s about worship together rather than ‘performance’ worship, so everyone can get involved.

So what happened? Well, after considerable reassurance of those who had already offered to be involved – as well as more general reassurance to those who might want to volunteer as we went along – that this was the kind of communion service where nothing could go wrong because there was no wrong way of doing something we were making up, we got started with a candle coming forward to light the Christ candle on the table during the first hymn. This was a bit of a compromise, as we’d hoped to do something a bit like the Olympic torch, lighting one light from another all the way forwards to symbolise how the light of our memory of God’s grace had come to us from the earliest times – oh well!

A volunteer was called for, and he read the Prayer of Light, adapted from an order for Jewish Passover, and then we pieced together the story of the Escape from Egypt. We used the recent memories of the kids, as well as the older memories with which we are blessed. The children then took one of the candles (we called it the Light of Knowledge as opposed to the Christ Light, which was left on the table) and headed off for a bit of intense coaching on the different elements needed for our Passover Communion (set up and labelled in the children’s ministry room). We gave them about 10 minutes out of the sanctuary, in a room where we had laid out parsley, salt water, bitter herbs, traditional Presbyterian communion trays of wine and salvers of hors d’oeuvres (broken pieces of matzos topped with a piece of roast lamb), each with an explanatory label. Meanwhile, we continued with the prayers and the offering.

As we sang ‘Holy, Holy, Holy, my heart, my heart adores you!’, the children re-joined us, bringing with them not just the elements, but also the understanding of their symbolic purpose – which they explained to us. The rostered reader made the link for us between the events of Passover and Christ’s institution of the Last Supper and then another member volunteered to lead us in the Kiddush, or the first blessing. Everyone received a wee glass of wine and we ‘toasted’ God’s goodness to us.

After a Prayerful Reflection (ie not a sermon, but not a children’s talk either), the kids distributed the bread and lamb, and then we drank a second glass of wine in thanksgiving. So yes, we did use all our communion trays! We finished with I will sing the wondrous story – because it is! And then the Aaronic blessing because it’s another link with our earliest faith. We have so much to learn from the Jewish Scriptures of how corporate memory keeps and nurtures faith, and this was our attempt to position ourselves on the Way of our faith, to stand in our inheritance and to share that consciously with one another.